就算用尽所有真心 却到不了你的心底;

Hi world! After so long I'm finally back yay. But not like anybody is gonna read my blog because I don't disclose my blog link to others. Okay or maybe I did (: Just that they forgot about the existence of this blog already.
Oh well, I could jolly well live up to talking to myself hehe. Nothing much is happening in my life recently, and I shall not talk about ATC because I must be very lag if I mention about it now.
But then, who am I to comment about my experiences in ATC when half of the time i am MIA-ing from half of the activities? Only participated fully on the last day. Some kind of joke. And again, I missed night games. I have total zero affinity with night games though I was so looking forward to it! I didn't get to experience night games in year one the overnight camp, not ATC'10, and now not ATC'11. ): The next time I am going to be in touch with night games would be the time when I am the planner, not the participant.
):
Thinking about it gives me the shudders. I can't imagine next year.
3K'12. PLTC'12.
Frightening. I somehow cannot imagine how I am going to overcome all these. To be honest, I am more scared about the PLTC then the new class allocation, though the latter is more immediate. Just slightly more than 1 month.
It is kind of ironic when I'm scared of something that is gonna be over in 3 days and the next thing I knew I will be camping over at Macs enjoying my vanilla cone and discussing with my batchmates how horrendous our CT results is going to turn out.
But forget about this for the timebeing. I realised when I am typing this I have much more to worry. /guilty/
Anyway, KOI in compasspoint has officially opened! Was walking past it in the afternoon while on my way to meet Jaynell, the renovation was done and they lifted up the shutters already. The design is really pretty, all the lighting kind of thing. It was the design which made me wanna go and queue up for it (the queue wasn't surprisingly long either, I glanced over to the queue outside Cupwalker and it was much longer. But I guessed not many knew that it was opened yesterday), but then stopped myself 'cuz I wasn't really craving for anything milkish, and if i really drank that I think I would end up hating milk teas forever.
Which is kind of a sad ending.
Well, not really. This help me resist the temptation of not drinking milk tea. Imagine the humongous temptation that I have to face everytime I tapped out of the MRT gantry to face the long queue and the big "KOI" sign and not to mention the nice pictures of all the milk teas hung on their walls.
Every single day once school reopened. This is madness.
I can be stubborn at times, but I simply can't when I have to be stubborn against something I obviously like. I thought that is a waste of... life.
Life is spent on pampering yourself, not torturing yourself. I think what I am truly afraid is that I am gonna die in regrets that kind of thing. I will just die of wrath.
okay somebody help me decide what I should do to resist temptation. Should I google?
But i bet some disgusting stuff like how to resist temptation, but lust wise. That is sick ew.
Okay no I am not going to disgust myself more than what milk tea can do to me.
Ciao, off to face the cruelty of Maths. Seriously, it is boring shit.

命运好幽默让爱的人 都沉默.

so was reading this book called 情书在不朽 也能磨成沙漏
was hyperventilating because just a few days ago i was obsessing over this song.
then this book appeared right in front of my eye i swear it's magical.
so i borrowed it and slacked in the library to read it! while stupid xiying go and find more books it's impressive how she can finish all of them in just a short period of time. i can't because...
1. i would get my headaches. after her recommendation of 易水儿 story, my headache( together with my passion for reading) came back all at once. nowadays i stayed up till 1 to finish my book this is crazy.
2. i cant get over the book.

this story is so freaking nice. i know i have been blabbering since the day i borrowed it and i bet people on twitter is giving me the "oh suck it up it's just a book" face but can you imagine!

it. is. really. touching. while i read the book, the song plays in my head. I was almost crying when i heard the song though i repeated it so many times.

now this book is giving me a heartache TT. i have been thinking about it this whole morning. the heartache feels so surreal. it's like, it's not even what i have had experienced or anything, but it is just there because that's how the girl in the story is experiencing.

it is scary to a point that i may seem like i have lost somebody or something before. because the old me can never stand all these waiting for a guy that would never come back for 9 years and crying everytime you heard his name. but now i can understand it so perfectly and picture the pain, it's like, everything's happening to me. ):

which is precisely why i still can't get over. it is a story of regrets. like totally. TT

an abstract from the book ^^

然而， 就在我惊慌失措的那一刻，我看见楚暮年朝我跌落的方向跑了过来，我发誓我没有看错，是他，是楚暮年。他一定是来救我的，这个世上，只有他才会在我落入水中的时候来救我。
以前和楚暮年在一起时，我总是莫名其妙地掉进水里，后来，他教我游泳，可惜我的资质太差，怎么学都学不会，他便说：“以后你走到哪，我都会跟到哪，我随时随地地都会保护你。”
-----
我不知道楚暮年第一次煮爱尔兰咖啡时是不是加了他的眼泪，所以这么多年，我总是在回忆中思念着他.
------------
她让我没有地方可以思念楚暮年，除了那一片废墟.
--------------------------------------

what a sad story ): but a super nice book, i swear!

天青色等烟雨 而我在等你.

k i totally sacrificed my sleeping time for this precious blog, which is apparently dead and everything but oh well. i am trying hard to keep it alive you know.
i should really sleep. tmr is gonna be a long day for me. GAH. ):
i just did my french braid!!! but i know it is kinda screwed up BUT OH WELL at least it is tight and it is comfortable and it keeps me from dying from the heat!
after mastering the art of french braid, i am moving on the french fishtail!
though i though fishtail braid is kind of not that nice, it is artistic.
well, if i have the time. if i can find barbie dolls again.
and all the craze come from my retarded sister Jolene Yee. MEH. she got me influenced ):
well supposed to go out with her tmr, but there's truckloads of things to be done well. ):
i missed STEP.
OMFG i am supposed to post about step right?
okay forget it i am lazy. i jsut find the joy in repeating level camp HAHA
LOL i am in love with webcamming anybody wanna webcam me?

HAHA THERE IS MORE ON FB!
i apparently not know why i am stoning here. k i shall go have mah sleep or something. bye!

each day, i am getting more and more brittle, as i thought about my overflowing weaknesses. baby, i am trying to be strong, but there's nothing i could do if the strength is shattering. is there really nothing i can do? so what am i here for?

用你的目光看海 可乐冰痛了我得指头.

okay hi, finally blogging hurhurhur. it has been a thousand years since i have ever blogged, so should i start everything over again?
maybe i should, (:
SHALL ZOOM BACK TO THE DAY WHEN LEVEL CAMP.
okay initially i was quite disappointed with my level camp groupings, because it's like no other high guides (except for zhichun, but i don't interact with her too much too) and the rest i dont really know, and dont even talk to. yeah was quite worried, till the point when i wanted a jie corner so badly.
then that fateful day arrived. was happy because of my pink bag YAY okay random.
then split into our groups, my group quite stone at first HAHA. but Lydia talked to me so yay haha wasn't that out of place (: then zhichun came and i was like FINALLY HAHA.
and i was quite happy because they told us that if we do the makan cheer we can eat our lunch. so i anticipated. OH the things you will look forward to in the camp is food. and camp food are usually nice, idk whether it is because we are hungry or what HAHA.
okay, then the fateful time appeared when they told us that okay let's move out to pitch your tents.
wanna know my reaction? " EH THEN LUNCH LEH?!?!?!"
OKAY LOL I WAS SIMPLY OVERREACTING. i was cheated of food. ):
and i complained to xiying HAHA.
so we went back under the hot sun to pitch our tents, luckily it was easy and yeah everybody in my group was participating actively (Y)
and we went back for lunch!
then is the orienteering. seriously i think i was daydreaming or something but i didnt know there is a time limit to it trololol i took it as a casual walk around pulau ubin.
but it was a challenge. so in the middle we have to run like nobody's business. BUT GLAD TO SAY, I WASNT TIRED AT ALL. i know the road is far, i know it may take hours to reach, but i cheered and sang and ran like nobody. proud of my achievement!
i guessed it's all from Guides, but then i could say i think i did much better in lvl camp. i don't know why, but i think i work better without stress. i work better without people harping on me, because i do remember the things, it's just that i don't want to be constantly stressed upon. it confuses me. i hate stress, not in the homework kind, but mentally. ):
talking bout it, i guessed stress is all that is stopping me from everything. shall talk about that later, sicne it is related to STC.
but anyway, yeah, then got a point of tiem when we weren't allowed to cheer, me and jade got so sian jade started to complain and i am simply xing shi zou rou that kind of thing TT.
and my mood got worse when somebody was injured. i held myself responsible, because that's what guides have been teaching me, taking care of others. but i failed to do so. i do have high expectations of myself too, but when things do not go my way i would think it is all my fault.
so yeah, probably brightened up when i saw the wild boars. x)
when we finally went to some place that introduces chek jawa, i realised the road we have to walk back to our beloved campsite when the food is there, IS SIMPLY MIND TORTURING. i died at the thought.
but.... the view at the sea was amazing. <3
so we head back, and the instructor was thinking of ways to cheer us on, to make us move on faster, so we get our beloved fanfan.! (ricerice LOL)
he want us to count our steps, so it's like 1,2,3! 1,2,3!
it did work, but when everybody dies down it simply frustrating!
but eventually it evolves into "WANT TO EAT, WANT TO EAT" and this was even more encouraging HAHA
when we reached the campsite like asdfghjkl! the people queuing up for bathing was like WTH haha!
it was an accomplishment for me <3 for everyone too. 15-17km worth of walk under the hot sun, BEAT THAT!
oh the sun is even more scorching that SG's, i swear. the sun shining on you is pain, not just hot. PAIN!!!
finally have dinner and bathed! bathed with shuyi gwyneth and zhichun, quite fun LOL haha!!! sound pervert? NO lol but it's just cute that we have to squeeze inside one cubicle!!
me and shuyi agreed it was fun! (Y)
okay then what was it? MOVING OF TENTS. asdfghjkl!!!!! WORST PART OF CAMP I SWEAR. we were late because the peopple in the toilet took very long and we finally finished everybody was like waiting for us so we chiong to our beloved tents and throw our stuff anyhow and find my shoes and wear it and find my pe t shirt SO YAH can imagine how messy our tents are.
then assemble then they told us to move our tents, because the boys are sleeping in some hall or something to provide us with better comfort.
there was no air con mentioned, but everybody was cheering. idk why. i was irritated. camps are camps! we need no extra comfort. i think sleeping in the tents are just part and parcel of the camp and i dont need any hall LOL. was irritated alr, was even more irritated when we have to move away all the tents. then the boys can go and put their sleeping bags asdfghjkl i thought they should help out no because girls couldnt manage it but you will get what i mean.
so i was helping other people carrying other tents.
i went back to my own tents to carry my stuff.
my tent is gone.
my bag, shoes, towel is everywhere!
asdfghjkl!!!!
i keep complaining that this is totally stupid because WHAT IF I DIDNT STUFF WHAT SHOULDNT BE SEEN INTO MY BAG. i hate it when people touched my things, whether any harm is done or not. then i saw my bag like that i totally almost cried. was angry max and swear i want to find back my tents!!!!!! but anyway sorry i didnt mean to scold the people who offered to take the tent for us, seriously was grateful, and guessed the instructors told them so, but seriously i think they should let us sort out our things first. ):
couldnt bother to help other people and went to search for my tent( sorry but seriously was angry) and the worst thing i couldnt find back my tent!!!!!!!!1
angry to the max. then me, zhichun, shuyi and weng sheum are homeless people. THEN DONT KNOW WHAT LAH WE WENT TO THE ALPHA SECTION AND TOLD THEM WE NO TENT. THEY ASK US TO STAY THERE FIRST THEN ZHICHUN REALISED THAT'S THE ALPHA SECTION LOL. the instructor was like TSK! then ask us go back to the beach but seriously it is not our fault!! ):
went back, still homeless. left our bags there, go supper, come back, still homeless. was still angry and complained to everyone i see. esp angry because the boys should have helped! >:(
then we end up sleeping with some other group members. ):
then sleep. generally okay, but i forgot to bring my watch so ocassionally waking up to see the surroundings quiet.
then at around 2 o clock, me and zhichun woke up. then the whole tent woke up. i thought it was time to go and wash up, i was asking for the t=time and nobody wants to answer me. my phone is like deep down my bag!
so i just took my clothes and went to change and brush my teeth, which was stupid because the instructor was bathing and they were like WTH what are you doing in the middle of the night. wasnt embarrassed, surprisingly, despite the fact that they keep asking us to go back to sleep. i thought it wasnt my fault, and it is kind of normal.
wanted to change out to make myself comfortable, but i am lazy. zhichun went to wash her face. LOL
went back to sleep, i was in this awkard sleeping position. is like qiao er lang tui when i am lying down and i sprained my ankle because of long hours in that position. seriously it was damn pain. i keep rotating my ankles WAH I TELL U PAIN MAX. i think some instructor was outside cause i thought i saw shadow stopping at our tent and i think she must be like wth why rotate your ankles while sleeping is she sleep walking or what LOL
okay then finally morning, TOILET PACKED AS USUAL. envy the boys who go into the toilet w/o even waiting!!!
breakfast i guessed. then was rafting. ROFL HAHA EPIC!!!
we met at the beach and we started with square lash all this lor. was sweating like mad and seriously their instruction was slow and inaccurate i dont feel like i'm in guides but HAHA it was fun! weng sheum helped me! (Y) i was tying with a freaking long rope and we rao until we both die HAHA (: then not enough time then the 2 tyres we anyhow rao LOL damn cui and ugly HAHA. got rope dangling out somemore. LOL i thought we were failing but WE CAME IN FIRST I COULDNT BELIEVE IT HAHAH must be the zai rafter, cause u look at our raft you will be like UHHUH.....
played in the water, though didnt want to. HAHA
THEN IT WAS KAYAKING. worst feeling. reminisce about kayaking lessons LOL
but i did quite fine with the 2 people one! haha. wanted to appply skills but i scared capsize HAHAH so no!
and raft(jihe) fast and quick and accurate! MAMAMIA, (:
then washup, then is high elements. i was scared. SERIOUSLY. cause i never try before so a bit worried. i am still worried when i rmb the feeling i had LOL haha.
was repeatedly saying that i am scared then didnt listen to instructions, got screamed at because i couldnt release and shou the ropes correctly LOL
then when it was my turn, was nervous but everybody was like JIAYOU! so wasnt that bad when i climbed the ladder halfway then the person say STOP! then i looked down though i am not willing but idk why i did it anyway AND SAW THE ROPE GOT STUCK LOL. then i looked down and YES MY FEAR OF HEIGHT CAME BACK ASDFGHJKL
i think the scary part was the when you reached the rope there then dk where to hold or put your leg. it like doing a split in the air for me because well you know i dont have long legs so hahah a bit scary for me!
then i was moving godddamn slowly not because i was scared but because idk when i should turn back! HAHA so yeah when i went back i was damn fast HAHA. thanks gwyneth and jade for cheering me on!!!! ^^
finally ended, but mine was damn easy hehehe!
then clarissa came and told me about the low wall how it is impossible for heavy and short people like me HAHA. was worried bout it and when it was tiem for me to climb i pitied weng sheum and yew hwei and want to get things done quickly so they dont feel tortorous. pitied the guys, nicholas and brian too cause i was goddamn heavy and i was damn glad that managed to pull me up. SO THANKS PEOPLE I AM GLAD TO BE LIVING NOW!!! (:
after the low wall i had no fear LOL haha. then got stupid lightning so we went back, discussing about our undone campfire stuff. LOL. HAHA (:
went to bathe, and came out to discuss bout campfire. quite last min, and was damn angry cause i was copying the lyrics for somebody when they told me they need it and when i finihsed it they say they dont need it asdfghjkl!!!!!
and campfire! was expecting it to be high and was high during the cheering part ROFL.
and i was high during the first part. we were the first to perform anyway embarrasing much!
then i went back, still desperately cheering jade up.
but then i couldnt see the performance and THEN, the stupid light blinded my eyes and i couldnt see any performance so i stoned. and dozed off. campfire was dragged to 12 30! i was hungry and then got this terrible gastric and needing to carry back the benches back was simple a boo for me ):
when i finally had supper, my gastric got better and i was happy again ^^v
then we slept in the aircon room! not that delighted, we were quite pissed off but then shall not mentioned it as long as i get my sleep! ^^
then tmr! rise and shine, then break camp, chai diao everything, area cleaning AND YAY WE GO HOME! slept soundly during the bus ride back!
and then camp at macs after camp = best reward!!!!!
i really loved level camp. it was hard, tiring, but i am glad i enjoyed most of it, like really do, without complaining, esp the trekking part. i grew and learned. (: thank you, level camp (:

你只是走累了 想借我肩膀 仅仅是这样

yeah, so why should i care, when i'm just a freaking option to you?

blogging in the middle of the night woohoo ^^
tired after today, after so many things.
i was stalking this old friend of mine, and it's very sad.
He was truly a nice guy. Take cares of his friends, and speak to girls nicely.
He was cute and everything, and he is so nice tempered, that well. i never thought badly of him at all. not at all.
But he changed. completely. I don't know why. He just changed.
to somebody i didn't know, at all.
i was wondering, if i let him see what his future holds, what do you think he would react?
really, very differently. years ago i can't imagine him like that.
I won't think badly of him either. Because my impression of him never change. He is purely a kind hearted guy, probably propelled by some unknown reason, peer pressure, i don't know.
But at least, however bad he is now, the way he treat us, treat me, is worth everything than his image now.
He is truly, a nice guy.

你是否也怀念，相爱的第一天，什么感觉？

<


it has been a long time sicne i posted. life ain't going great, but i hope i am spending time fulfillingly. (:
i am sick and tired of the computer, of facebook, of twitter. yeah, kind of. ): they ain't helping me except make me dizzy, and i have to scale that mount everest-like assignments. seriously, i think squeezed the tab too muc hthat it is starting to lag.
And i have been not a good girl too ): my grandma and aunties camn yet i am so freaking busy that i don't have time to welcome or talk to them properly. I missed dinners with them, and they have to dabao for me. ):
I know i shouldn't be like that, because the more i do this, the more i won't score well.
but oh well, i just need perfection. ):
PLTC is next week, and i really wish my seniors good luck. (: planned o nbuying presents for them, but i'll see how it goes *smirks
project taiyo( way way ago) was super fun and touching! hid with Jaynell inside that small corner behind the curtain, it was damn dqueezy yet the audience saw us anyway (:
the best thing is, we got to wear counsellor's tee! Anyi and Chunyen were super nice and cute. hahaha ^^
Though it just for us to wear as a t-shirt, and to others, it may seem as a ordinary t shirt, but to us, it's just pretty amazing. ^^
definitely memorable, ^^ <3
of course, etching in our minds ain't enough... if so, what's cameras for anywyay (:
so... here they go ^^




awesome. <3
hahahaha okay i shall go comfort her because there's some stalker stalking her okay byebye HAHA

it's time for me to emo. );

today is a very sianz day,
early in the morning, receive unpleasant remarks from sigh.
i am being totally respectful. i don't scold. i respect. but during the point of respecting, i lost all my dignity. or human rights.
She just critcise me like there's no tomorrow. She scolds me like she don't give a heck bout what i am feeling.
something to take back from RS. Find the root of the problem, and solve it.
she's not doing so. not doing it to me, anyway.
She says i don't know what she wants. She says i am stupid. She ask me why i do this, why i do that.
She didn't ask me what was the reason behind everything, and she says that i am stupid.
I just want to do things my own way. is it very stupid? is it very unreasonable?
I am just born like that. I want to go on my own way. It has been my style for 14 years. You have been correcting me when i was young, and how many times had i been scolded by you, dissed by you, that i have already gotten immune to it and didn't change at all?
If it is not possible to change my character, don't change it.
please. i really hate it when people try to change me. and when they are successful, i just feel like i am a total bitch to let some other people manipulate me.
my style may not be correct. my style may be totally dumb. but what i am doing is, i am just following my heart.
don't try to correct me when i'm wrong. let me try. what's the haste. i work better like that.
I'm glad that you care about me.
but serious. i am 14. i have my own ways. if i manage my 14 years studying in a messy condition, so be it, i can survive through.
If i can manage my 14 years doing this, i can do it for any other years.
If i am making a mistake, please, allow me to change. but i don't change that fast.
i need time.
i really need your understanding.
am i expressing myself in a way that you cannot understand your own daughter?
well, then i guessed it is you who is pathetic, not me. I tried my best. really. I tried my best to understand you,
but i cant bring myself to reach your standard in this kind of manner.
i don't want to drift away from you. i hate children who do so.
but seriously, i am going to hate myself very soon.
sick and tired. tired of everything, tired of your incessant nagging, tired of keeping everything to myself and laughed it through.
tired of trying th change my habits but you don't see my hard work.
tired of trying to explaining things to you.
tired of trying to let you see my point of view.
tired of talking to you.
tired of leading this boring life again and again.
tired of letting my efforts going to waste.
tired of not getting appreciated for what i have done.
tired of your scoldings that i care about my friends more.
tired of you complaining about how much i am troubling you.
tired of crying everytime you scold me, but i can do nothing with my tears.
tired of you scolding me fat and lazy.
tired of my life.
i am sick, tired, and fucking drained.
God, help me. i could die, right here, right now.